Shouldn’t have come here…

Ever. Bad decision. Shouldn’t have come to Delhi. Happy miserable whatever it was, Mumbai was it. I should have stayed here. I don’t know why I came. Shit. Should have stayed away.

Things have only gone wrong. Head is fucked. Completely. Running away is all I think of. Can’t even explain why. Just do. Everything seems to be falling apart. And there is no sea face. Who do I face when I don’t want to face anybody? I thought I was brave. But I am chickenshit. The days are torture. The nights are too long. Can’t even hide in the crowd. Disgusted with myself. And things around me. And helpless. Only thing to look forward to is getting away from it all. Everything. Somewhere where I don’t know anyone. And no one knows me. Jump off a cliff. Hang on by a thread. Let go of all I have. And all I don’t. Go into a never ending stoned silence which no one breaks. Never look at a watch.

I don’t even know what I am angry at. And that makes me angrier. There is but one place I can go and even she won’t understand. There should be a reset button on life. Click and everything is back to good. Or zero. Start afresh. No hang ups. No baggage. No strings attached. Why doesn’t it? Why? Why should I give anything to anyone? Why should I not be selfish? Saying sometimes 10 times over doesn’t make it right. Or a 100. No I am not stoned. I just feel like water on a slope. Flowing out of control. Out of bounds. The love is gone. All that is left is emptiness. Nothing. Worst part is I know I am lying. Because my head is filled with things. And yet is empty. Just thick smoke. Too difficult to see beyond. It doesn’t even rain here. Soak away in the deluge. Melt away.

Can’t even sleep. Shit.

PS. Please don’t ask what happened. There’s nothing I can tell you.

8 Responses to “Shouldn’t have come here…”
  1. Anonymous says:

    You talk about pressing the reset button. Isn’t it a fresh start and you are trying to hold onto the past. Take careथे जहाँ पर गर्त पैरोंको ज़माना ही पड़ा था,पत्थरों से पाँव केछाले छिलाना ही पड़ा था, घास मखमल-सी जहाँ थी मन गया था लोट सहसा,थी घनी छाया जहाँ परतन जुड़ाना ही पड़ा था, पग परीक्षा, पग प्रलोभन ज़ोर-कमज़ोरी भरा तू इस तरफ डटना उधर ढलना पड़ेगा ही, मुसाफिर; साँस चलती है तुझे चलना पड़ेगा ही मुसाफिर!- poem by Harivansh BachchanA forgotten friend

  2. Sawa says:

    Try and look for a job in mumbai..u will get one…

  3. Sinc d time i left, i hv been lookin forward to getting back.. but as i read this.. im thinkin.. do i really wnt to leave this??… You’ve set me thinking.. infact all ur blogs do!!

  4. I agree with anonymous. You are just missing your comfort zone right now and clinging to your past. And that is what making you angry right now. You’ve got two options now, run from their and get into your comfort zone or try to hang around. If you try to hang around, there could be two reasons, one u would try to force urself into an unhappy and uncomfortable (for you) situation or u would try to assimilate in the new environment.I am definitely not a writer of ur stature, but if you know me, you know what i am trying to say. Choice is yours. I don’t want to advise you as are wise enough. For me, I like to keep things simple.

  5. maggi says:

    Hey..even I feel this way a number of times! Feel like running away to a place where noone knows me! U atleast know why u r feeling so…I have no reasons!! 😀

  6. Pulsurge says:

    Really sad to read your state of mind. On two ocassions that I’ve met you, I found you to be an easy goer with everyone. Confused as to how you’re all by yourself now 🙂 Always wished to have at least one ride with you..but then you left too quick :(Get in touch with some BNers in Delhi…might change your mind from the present situation.

  7. Sleepwalker says:

    thank you guys for the words. and the solutions. chicks often say that when they discuss their problems with someone, they just want someone to hear and are not expecting a solution. this was one such time. i feel much better now.

  8. Ko says:

    hmmm, ab theek ho na?

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