What we say makes us what we are – Bankers

Ordinary mortals like you think investment bankers get paid for creating suicidal structures, putting your money at risk, making money off it and doing pretty much nothing about it when it crashes. NO.

Banking is about knowing what is being said. Banking is about knowing what to do when you understand what is being said. Banking is about saying what needs to be said. And banking is about know who is a banker and who is not and making sure no non banker gets a whiff of what is being said.

Some common terms and what they actually mean.

Bandwidth: Ability to sit for 3 more hours knowing fully well that its past 12 in the night

Liquidity: Cold, hard cash

Liquidity event: Go on the stock market or go belly up

Special Purpose Vehicle: A legal way to circumvent the law

Business Plan: Poetry in excel; Pointless but beautiful

Confidential Information: Pointless information that will be passed around to everyone despite being protected by law

Persons Acting In Concert: What Shashi Tharoor is to Sunanda Pushkar

Discounted Cash Flow: Magic!

Independent Banker: A hilarious joke!

Material Adverse Change: It’s not my fault…

Term Sheet: The Holy Grail

Conditions Precedent: Aaj nakad, kal udhar.

Face Time: What gets you your bonus.

Drag Along: Your ass is mine!

Consultants: People who will take money to say what you want to say

Structuring: Finding loopholes in the law

Chinese Wall: A glass panel with a door

Prop Trading: Putting money where your mouth is

Intern: Planktons; Insignificant, available in huge numbers and fully replaceable but the universe stops if they are not around

Analyst: Bottom feeder

Bull Market: Everyone on a sugar high

LBO: Buying you a Ferrari by taking a loan on your salary

Valuation: Original sin

Now go back and read that agreement you signed with that venture capitalist.

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